I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
