better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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