I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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