i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
