I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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