I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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