I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
