I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
