The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
