I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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