tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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