I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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