The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
