Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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