I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize