forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
kristin has been a bad kristin
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
