If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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