Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
