I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
