He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
