Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
