never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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