How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
