she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
