Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
