Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
