I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
