I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
