so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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