I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
