Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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