We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
