im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize