Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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