A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He has the fingertips of a God
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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