I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
