There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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