I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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