All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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