sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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