I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
