Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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