Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
