my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
