you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
