So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
