What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize