Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
