I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
