Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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