Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
