My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
