after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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