omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
