you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
