Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
