there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Still dying that you shit outside
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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