Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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