I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
