is wine microwaveable?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize