i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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