I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
