i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
