i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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