he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
