When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
