I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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