Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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